There are three magical words few of us ever remember to use when caught up in a lovers storm.
Today, I'm going to share with you these three simple but almost enchanted words because I know if you use them with sincerity, an open mind, and heart, they will not only calm that lover’s storm but also help you form a bond that helps both you and your partner feel more connected. After the excitement of the honeymoon phase wears off and you spend most of your time under the same roof with the same person, a difference in perspective and opinion is bound to arise. In fact, those who are most in love will always enjoy deeply heated arguments. Such is the nature of relationships. Do you see this as something negative? Well, most of us do. But that's only because we are misinformed. Relationships are not static. They are evolving each and every day because people are continuously evolving.
The basic law of life is you are either growing or dying.
If you are growing, then so is your partner and so is your relationship. As you rise from one level to another that growth creates an opportunity to discover each other anew and when not addressed properly the opening for a lover’s quarrel becomes inevitable. Usually, the disagreement turns into anger, resentment and eventually breaks out into an argument because the desire to express oneself feels suppressed.
Remember that time when your partner was complaining about something you could swear wasn't accurate? Notice how the more you tried to prove them wrong the more defensive and upset they got until eventually it blew over and left a bad taste in your mouth. This is one of the fastest ways to drive a wedge between you and your partner because whenever you play the game of who's right or wrong, you only shut them down. They don't feel heard, understood or respected. They start feeling neglected, unloved and you lose that connection in that moment.
I want you to realize that when you fall into an argument with your spouse there's a very definite choice to be made. You can either choose to be right; to be heard and to defend yourself or you can choose to be happy. It took me a while to get this one because every time something rubbed me the wrong way, the old hot-tempered paradigm that I probably picked up from my father was quick to take over.
“Often the ones closest to us are the ones we hurt the most.” Remember that! And know that you do have a choice on how you will react when the next cloudy day shows up.
Dr. Wayne Dyer had a lovely statement he often shared with his audience regarding this very thing. I've decided to incorporate the same philosophy into my life. He said, "whenever I fall into an argument with someone, doesn't matter who started it or who's at fault. I pause, recollect myself to the present moment and ask myself silently what I want. I can either choose this present situation - carry it forward or I can choose peace. What will it be? This or peace? And I always choose peace." I love that idea. Can't tell you how many fights and arguments it has helped me heal even before they started!
Here's a simple way to handle yourself and end arguments in your relationship the next time they show up:
First // Remember...
Remember what? That you are an individual. Unique in every way but you probably have conditioned beliefs and patterns that might be lurking in the background. Many of which might not be beneficial. But you're not the only one! Who knows what paradigms were passed on from great-grandparents to your spouse too? And while none of that is super important now that you've chosen to spend the rest of your lives together, it does help to express a little compassion and understanding to your loved ones whenever you feel they've acted out. Perhaps this is their way of getting attention and being heard. Maybe they are experiencing new emotions that they haven't yet learned to deal with or maybe you just triggered an old childhood wound. Human beings are very complex and just because you are married doesn't mean you understand everything. So this is where unconditional love comes in.
Second // Ask yourself...
What do I really want here? To be right or to be happy? Will I choose this or will I choose peace? My experience has shown me that the best way to end arguments in your relationship is through the expression of unconditional love. With unconditional love comes forgiveness.
Forgiveness? When I am the victim? Yes. Whether you feel like you've been wronged or not, the best time to step out of that frequency of argument and back into the flow of your life is right there in the midst of the storm, consciously opening up your heart and inviting the spirit of forgiveness to be present in the moment. What will happen is even though the argument might still be underway; you will feel a sense of calm sweep over you. That is when I invite you to use these three magic words.
Third // Bring out the magic...
The three magic words are - Tell me more.
The moment you stop trying to be heard and instead give the other person permission to express themselves freely and clarify what they mean, you dismantle the foundation of the argument. In essence you take away the ability for your partner to continue arguing with you. The more you realize that arguments are like cancer that can easily kill relationships the less interested you'll be at accepting those invites when they do come. My conviction is that arguments, especially among couples, actually emanates from a desire to be valued and heard. If we didn't care about making things better we probably wouldn't get into arguments in the first place.
This being the underlying reason, why not rise above the fog and see the situation for what it really is - an opportunity for you to offer unconditional love, compassion understanding and a listening ear to your partner. I am not saying it's always easy to follow this technique but with a little practice and a strong intention to experience true love in your marriage, you can absolutely redefine what arguments mean in your household. You can discover the opportunities hidden in these seeming misfortunes and learn to create stronger bonds and connection with your spouse.
A Final Thought:
Most people perceive arguments and difference in perceptions as a bad thing. But honestly, why not reframe this for yourself? Because you are a unique individual with a distinct one of a kind soul signature. Choosing to spend your life with another unique individual means there will be moments where your difference in perception is more pronounced. Just as we know that even the most beautiful exotic paradise island will have periods of dark grey clouds with no blue sky in site and stormy winds and rain. We also know it doesn't make the Island any less precious. We know those storms are temporary and they too shall pass. After which the rising of the sun on that clear blue sky will seem like a new breathtaking sight unlike any other.
Learn to think of your marriage in this way. It is divinely blessed to be paradise. An ever-unfolding journey that goes through storms, dark mysteries and scary moments at times. But a breathtaking adventure nonetheless. The more you embrace these moments of conflict and disharmony from this grander perspective, the less damage they will do and just as the storms - they too shall pass leaving you and your loved one feeling connected and stronger than ever before.